So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
