He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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