She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
