she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
