so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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