I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
