Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
