I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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