I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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