i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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