i just wanna soil my oats bro
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
