mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
