I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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