I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
