hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
