My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
