I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
