i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
ttyl tear gas
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
