Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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