foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
