A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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