there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
