when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
