I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
