I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
