haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
