Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
