i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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