look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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