I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
