This is not my ceiling
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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