You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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