I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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