Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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