I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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