I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
