i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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