Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
