mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
