I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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