guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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