Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I still have a little drunk in my system
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Randomize
