I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
