i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Randomize
