seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
