The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
