Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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