dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just had sex on a roof
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
