I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
