pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
