I hate your face
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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