I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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