Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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