I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Houston, we have a blender
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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