Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
True strength comes from lack of pants
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
