Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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