If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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