I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
