Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
